


Stop Before You Fall

by starlabsforever



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Gen, could be read as romantic if you're looking for it, join me in angstville
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-25
Updated: 2017-05-25
Packaged: 2018-11-04 16:44:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10994901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starlabsforever/pseuds/starlabsforever
Summary: Caitlin needs space to figure out who she is now, and she thinks that the only way she can do that is by leaving Central City behind- far behind. Cisco catches her in the airport and tries to give her a reason to stay.





	Stop Before You Fall

**Author's Note:**

> For the prompt "If you walk away, everything will fall apart" from Mosylu on Tumblr.

Caitlin glanced at her watch and drew in an anxious breath. Thirty minutes till boarding.

 _You are going to go through with this,_ she told herself sternly.  _You have to. You want to._

 _You_ have _to want to._  
  
Even this late at night, the airport was full and busy- intercom messages and crying babies and the low murmur of chatter blended together in a stream of noise that made her head hurt. She hadn’t slept in… she wasn’t sure how long, and she certainly wasn’t going to be sleeping for the next five hours. She’d gotten better at controlling her powers without restraints, and she could sleep for short periods with minimal involuntary effects, but she was afraid that if someone startled her awake, she’d freeze them to death. Sleeping was not an option.

She hugged herself, feeling small in comparison to the vast uncertainty that loomed ahead. She had no idea where she was going. Her plane ticket said Phoenix, Arizona, but that was temporary. She’d picked Arizona because it was home to the five hottest cities in the country, but she was worried it had too many people. Instead of going somewhere hot enough that she wouldn’t be cold, she could go somewhere so cold that no-one would notice. Like Alaska. There were less people in Alaska. Arizona was just a pit stop; somewhere far enough away from home that she could collect herself and think of a long-term plan.

She hadn’t thought ahead of Arizona, because even though she knew that she needed to leave, the idea that she was leaving behind her life forever hurt more than she wanted it to. Leaving Julian and the Wests and the Steins and-  _Cisco,_ her heart hurt thinking about Cisco. He was the only reason that she hadn’t left a long time ago, before she’d ever had a chance to lose control. He was comfort and safety and the only thing that made her feel like herself. She’d let him convince her to stay, and look where that got them. H.R. was dead, Barry was gone, and the team was shattered. She needed to leave Central City before she hurt anybody else.

Caitlin was vaguely aware of someone sitting down next to her. She flinched away, like she usually did whenever anyone came near her. She let her hair fall in front of her face and contemplated moving seats.

“Wow, I don’t smell that bad,” the person next to her said, and her heart skipped and she snapped her head up. Cisco was sitting in the seat next to her, wearing jeans and a vintage Star Trek t-shirt under his black bomber jacket.

“Hey there,” he said, and half-smiled in a way that didn’t reach his eyes. “Fancy meeting you here.”

His eyes were probing and full of concern, and she suddenly wished she could throw herself into his arms and let him hug her and stroke her hair. She crossed her arms and turned to face him, establishing distance between them. “How did you find me?”

“You know. I got a vibe.” She raised her eyebrows. “Well. A vague one. So I hacked into your computer and restored your deleted search history by hacking into your browser’s cookies, which I’m not proud of, but, I had a feeling that you were up to something, and lo and behold…” He threw his hands out. “Here you are. Up to something.”

A weighted silence settled over them. She stared at Cisco and he stared back, eyebrows slightly raised as if he were waiting for her to say something. When she didn’t, he sighed, flinging down the gauntlet. “What is this, Caitlin? What are you doing?”

“What does it look like?” Her voice shook. “I’m leaving. In thirty minutes.”

The corners of his mouth turned down. “Why?”

His eyes were big and brown and sympathetic, and she already felt her defenses crumbling. Leaving Cisco behind was hard enough when he was just a thought, a memory. Now that he was here, it felt impossible. “I don’t know. I figured the fact that I turned evil, aligned with our nemesis and got our friends hurt was reason enough.”

He looked at her with something between exasperation and incredulity. “Did you kill H.R.?”

“No, but-”

“Did you make Barry trap himself in the speed force?”

Caitlin huffed a little. “No, but he might not have had to if I hadn’t helped Savitar!”

“It would have happened anyway,” Cisco said. “Savitar was going to wreak his havoc with or without you. You can’t blame yourself for things that you didn’t do.”

She swallowed hard. “How about the things I  _did_ do?”

“That was her,” he dismissed. “Not you. You weren’t conscious.”

“Really?” Her voice trembled. “If I wasn’t conscious, then why do I remember trying to kill you?”

“You were under duress.” He reached out to put his hand on her shoulder and she flinched away. He stopped, clearly stung, and lowered his hand to his lap. “Come on, Caitlin, you didn’t want to kill me.” She stared back at him and he gulped. “Did you?”

Caitlin shook her head wildly. “Maybe. All I know was that I was in there the whole time. Killer Frost’s sins are mine.”

Cisco shook his head. “I don’t accept that.”

“Well, maybe you should,” she snapped. “Don’t tell me I wasn’t conscious, don’t tell me that wasn’t me, because I know more than you do. I know what I did, and I know how I  _felt,_ which is why I know that the best place for me is to be far away from all of you.”

His brow furrowed, eyes sad and serious. “Running away won’t make anything better.”

“No, but it might keep things from getting worse.”

“You can’t leave, now of all times.” He leaned forward. “I need your help holding up the fort. That’s what we’ve always done. If you walk away, everything will fall apart.”

“That’s not true.”

“You don’t know that, because you’re not the one whose best friend is skipping town!” Cisco’s bottom lip quivered and she had to look away. “Y’know, this is kind of a slap in the face after we fought for you.” He paused and shifted. “ _I_  fought for you. Does that mean anything to you?”

Caitlin looked away coldly. “You need to leave.”

“Nuh-uh. I’m going to use every second of the next-” he glanced at his watch. “-21 minutes to keep you from making this mistake. I’m not giving up on you any sooner than I have to.” Did he have to make this so difficult? Now she had a teary lump in her throat and her face was burning and it was too much.

She rose to her feet. “Fine. If you won’t leave, then I will. My plane’s boarding any minute now.”

“Twenty minutes,” he called after her. She walked away briskly, and waited to hear his footsteps echoing hers, but she didn’t. She glanced over his shoulder and realized he was gone, lost to the crowd. Her heart plummeted and she sunk into another chair. She attempted to compose herself, but now every time she thought about Phoenix, Arizona she saw Cisco’s face, sincere and determined and loving, and she felt sick.

Twenty. Nineteen, then eighteen, then seventeen minutes until she was leaving Central City behind.  _You have to do this,_ she told herself, but all she could think about was Cisco and she was even more torn than before.

Someone tapped her on the shoulder and she jumped, and then her hands felt cold and she was about to lose it, she was going to lose control again-

“Yo!” She snapped her head up and saw Cisco, holding a hand out in front of him. “Yo, it’s just me. Chill.” She glared at him witheringly. “Sorry, that was- that was bad.” He held out his other hand, which was holding a blue paper bag. “I brought you Cinnabon.”

She stared at the bag blankly. “Oh,” she said, and he slid into the seat next to her. He turned the bag over onto its side and fished out a white box. He held it out and she took it reluctantly. “If you think you can bribe me into staying with cinnamon rolls-”

“I know I can’t,” he said. “This is your last supper, not a bribe. If you’re gonna run off to-” He glanced at the electronic screen on the wall. “-Phoenix, and never come back, I want your last memory of me to be a quintessential Cisco and Caitlin memory. What’s more us than dessert after midnight?”

That made her want to cry all over again. “I’m not hungry.”

“Bull,” he said, and pried the box open for her.

She stared at the sugary, sticky mess as Cisco opened his own box. He dug into it, clearly starving. It smelled so good, but she felt faint and nauseous. She blew out a breath. “How can you still look at me?”

He swallowed and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “What does that mean?”

She bit her lip. “How can you still look at me the same way after everything I’ve done?” He started to say something and she cut him off. “I know you’re going to say that it wasn’t me, but you don’t know that I'm still me. I don’t even know if I’m still me.”

“I know you are,” he said slowly, “because this? The- the running away and the crushing guilt and the worry that you’re hurting people? That is Caitlin Snow, doctor, healer, and this is how you react to things. You turtle. You try to hide away from everything that’s hurting you. You did it when Ronnie died, and you’re doing it now, and I would be the worst friend in the world if I let you get away with it.”

Caitlin clasped her hands together. “I think the title of worst friend in the world goes to someone who kills their friend.”

“Which you didn’t,” he pointed out, a little forcefully. She stared at her cinnamon roll. “Look, I can’t pretend that I know how you feel. What I do know is that you  _chose_ to come back.  _You_ took control.” He turned to face her, and they were so close that she could feel him breathing. “It doesn’t matter that you were in control when you were chaotic evil-ing through the city, because that’s not who you are.”  
  
She stared at him, willing herself not to cry. “I don’t know who I  _am._ I’m not sure I’m Caitlin anymore.”  
  
“That’s okay,” Cisco said softly. She studied his eyes and found nothing but sincerity. “But whoever you are, you’re a good person. If you can’t believe that right now, I will believe it for you.”

Her eyes stung and she ducked her head, letting her hair cover her eyes like a blonde waterfall. “I don’t know,” she said in a tiny voice. “I feel like I can’t go back.” He started to say something and she sat up straighter. “Please let me finish. I know you all forgive me, but I don’t, and that needs to come first. I need to find some kind of peace with myself.”

His eyes looked sad, but he nodded. “I get that. I do. Just one thing- why are you so sure that you’ll find peace in Arizona?” She ducked her head. “Hey, would you look at me?” She turned her face to him but didn’t quite meet his eyes. “I hear you, and I get it, I do. You need space. I just don’t want you to do something you might regret.” His brow crinkled intently. “Just- think about it first, because I think you’ll find it’s a lot harder to come back than it is to leave.”

She stared at him. He held her gaze. Overhead, the intercom announced that Flight 695 to Phoenix was boarding in ten minutes.

Cisco was watching her, and let out a breath that he’d been holding. “Listen. Whoever you are now, I still love you.” She glanced at him quickly. His face was composed, but his throat was contracting, like he was trying not to cry. “That’s never going to change. No matter who you are, you will always have a home with me.” He stood up and watched her, like he was waiting for her to say something, to say anything. She tried to find the words, but she came up empty.

Cisco touched her shoulder, and she didn’t flinch this time. “Take care of yourself, Cait.” His voice was suddenly thick and husky. “I hope Arizona is good to you.” He stood up and started to walk away.

Caitlin stared at the uneaten cinnamon roll in her hands, and something snapped into place. “Wait!” He stopped in his tracks and looked at her, eyes questioning. She rose to her feet and swallowed, hard.

“I canceled my lease on my apartment,” she said randomly.

He stared at her. “What?”

She swallowed. “What I mean is… I don’t have anywhere to stay.”

“In Phoenix?” he asked, and looked away, like he was trying not to think about it.

Caitlin shook her head and took a deep breath. “No. Here.”

Cisco’s face flooded with comprehension, and then relief, and then something so strong and pure that it made her chest ache, because she still wasn’t sure she deserved it. She looked into his eyes, and she didn’t want to run away anymore. She still wanted to cry, but now all she wanted was to throw herself into his arms. She took a deep breath. “I can’t promise that I won’t leave eventually. But you’re right, I should… I should sleep on it.”

His mouth was open slightly like he didn’t quite believe what he was hearing. “Okay.” He made a movement like he was about to wrap his arm around her shoulder, and then stopped himself. A dam in her chest broke and she flung herself into his arms. He froze for a split second, and then his arms closed around her, cradling her against his chest. He was so warm and she was so cold and she was scared to be touching him, but it also made her feel safe. She buried her face in his hair- he smelled like sweat and salt and grease and she never wanted to let go.

He pulled away, but still held her by her shoulders. “We should get you home,” he said quietly, and she saw that his eyes were wet. “You need to sleep.”

“So do you,” she said, and put her arm across his shoulders, just to be touching him. He closed his eyes for a second, melting against her touch, and then opened his eyes again.

“This isn’t about me,” he said. “But I need you to know-” He cut himself off and shook his head.

She tilted her head at him. “What?”

Cisco looked down at her. “I need you,” he said. “That doesn’t mean you have to stay. You can go wherever you need to for as long as you need to, but you should know that.” He swallowed, hard. “In case you were looking for a reason to stay.”

Caitlin nodded and took his hand silently. Even though she felt more uncertain than ever, she knew she was safe. She wasn’t sure who she was, but she did have a home. She had him.

She could let that be enough for now.

 


End file.
